She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
