Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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