Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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