Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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