I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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