i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
