I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
