erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
this is an emotional support booty call
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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