the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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