wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
