What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So many bounce houses so little time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
