Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
