he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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