How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
