Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
