my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize