She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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