Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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