I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
