The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
