i need an iv and a liver transplant
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
