I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
