He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
