I have demons in me.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They took my balls.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
