Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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