today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
