Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
