grandma shit on top of the toilet
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
