New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
