I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
