I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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