you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
