Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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