I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
