For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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