I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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