dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize