Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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