Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
