just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize