Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
