I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
