put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
