Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
