This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
