I cannot find my penis.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
