I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
