I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
