My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
