Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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