I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
