I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
