You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
