Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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