we made out on top of his cat.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
