my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
