This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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