Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
