My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
