The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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