i was born a porn star she said
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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