you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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