is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize