The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
