my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
