is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
