and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
