Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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