You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
