She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
