I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
