I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
