walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
