im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
