how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
