Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
